This is what has been getting my down lately, and been keeping me in a bad mood for most of my days.

As soon as I worry and feel less uncertain about things, as soon as I look forward to the future at goals I want to achieve that will help me enjoy life,

I will transition, into a more positive version of Me. 🙂

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Transition To Nirvana

May 30, 2010

I have transitioned from my lazy ass, pathetic, immoral self to my moral, good, higher (?), diligent self. During this higher self, I sometimes experience this state of nirvana (often when I run while listening to relaxing music), where I experience a blissful nothingness, rather than chaotic thoughts of worry, uncertainty, and the sort.

Summer Realization

May 29, 2010

What I haven’t realized, until now, is that the reason my summer hasn’t been as spectacular as it could have been so far, is because although I knew what I wanted to accomplish this summer, I knew them only as their most vague terms.

I have goals, but not have identified specific steps for myself to take towards them.

.

I have allowed other less important tasks, but easier to see clearly how to accomplish, to take priority over what truly is most important, which are the vague goals I want to take steps towards and the things that I want to accomplish this summer.

I have allowed “B” and “C” priority tasks to take precedence, solely because they are easier to achieve, and the steps towards my main summer goals are not written out on clear terms.

the reason I haven’t been feeling too great is because I have not taken any action towards what I truly want in life. Yes I have given in to a person’s request for help for a performance. And I have given in to requests to go to the driving range.

But is that what I truly want? Are there more important things I should be taking action towards. Not helping other people achieving their goals, but helping myself achieve mine? Especially when I have only a small reservoir of energy to use at my disposal, [for lack of fulfilment of my own personal goals].

I let the status quo remain, and do not make an effort to go after the things I want. Because, for some reason, there are only certain times during the day when I realize I want it (to go running again, to sing, to read). Partially because I am not motivated enough to take the effort to realize what I want, I feel worse because I am not doing anything towards those goals, and as a result, I continue to maintain the status quo, because it is the easiest to maintain with the least effort, despite discontent and dissatisfaction with what I don’t have or am not doing, right now.

“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.”

I must feel good…

May 27, 2010

I must feel good. Lately I’ve been overly critical of my experiences and my surroundings, withholding myself from just FEELING GOOD.

I need to feel good. So I will be more motivated to do what I want. So I will be happier and accomplish more…

It has such a positive aura, a very convincing aura.

It seems like it does a good job in fulfilling it’s goal. Not to convince people that they are God. But to convince them that they must BELIEVE… in THEMSELVES, and The World.

all I need to do is listen to mr.jones by counting crows, or heres to the night by eve 6, or the album Clarity by Jimmy eat world, or the album In keeping secrets of silent earth by Coheed and cambria.. or…

they all.. they all just get me in to that feeling, that mood, that state of mind, that I’ve been in, consistently and constantly, in my past… in my high school years…

totally.. reflects me.. my past.. me in the past.

coheeed… what I listened to, when I was terribly depressed…. ‘d just go outside at night… walk to the joeten parking lot, maybe get a drink, maybe not… and sit… maybe on a parking stop, or on the benches along joeten… relax… feel the evening breeze… listen to coheed… relax…. let my thoughts get lost, in the vibration, in my ear, in the music…..