I have realized my adolescent feeling of invisibility today, because stress from today’s events have shattered that bubble I have been living in for a while, unsure of how long.

May 3, 2010

I was of my own beliefs.

I was not inclined to obey the authority of my teachers.

I didn’t listen to one.

And was told I would receive a zero for what was being done that class time. (even if, impulsively and not completely a credible decision – may not happen for certain since it seemed it could have been an impulse.)

I have always been uncertain of how much authority school should have over me. As I have been maturing during my adolescence, I have been learning to believe that school should not have total authority about my beliefs at life – that I should acquire my own beliefs from events not only during school but definitely outside of it too. So I have been fighting so hard, these few years during adolescence, to develop my own perspective and worldview, my own idea of morality, values, integrity, etc… something I have been doing that has sometimes clashed with the authority school has over me when I’m in its presence.

What am I supposed to do?

-Submit my rapidly developing beliefs of the world over to the ideals of the extremely flawed school system (by pleasing my teacher whenever possible since that is what the school believes is “right”)?

-Or should I conflict with the school system’s authority in order to develop my own view of the world, as right and correct as I have reason to believe it should be?

There are so many immoral flaws that the school condones, exhibits, and even exemplifies which is why it’s so incredibly hard and stressful for me to cooperate with such an immoral, wrong, and unprincipled system? I have questioned it undoubtedly constantly throughout my high school years, maybe a little longer or shorter, and finally it seems that I am able to, at least, partially distinguish my own beliefs (of good and bad, moral or immoral, right or wrong) about this world, — from the school’s sometimes comparable, sometimes contrasting beliefs.

Close: I somehow, finally, at least partially and admittedly acknowledged the school system’s authority over me (and thus my dad’s authority over me for sending me to the school in the first place and me allowing it; and thus government’s authority over me for giving my parents authority over me as a child – at least most of the authority over me ;; still a little room if the relationship is fucked up). (The government’s authority over me – of course because it has the immense power to realize that authority).

But additionally, I realize that from my role as a subordinate person to my parents’ authority, school’s authority, and government’s authority, I do have some – albeit microscopic, but still capable of changing things – power to cause change for the better for myself. – A tiny bit of power where I am allowed to act for personal desires, and put these desires into action to put forth the smallest pieces of my dreams to create as much as the (dream) picture as possible, always limited by circumstance to how much of my dream I can realize, but still able to use personal energy to bring forth portions of it, and make the life I have a little more significant, personal, and meaningful for myself.

Bottom Line: I acknowledge the power of the authority. I also acknowledge the power of myself.

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