this type of happiness.

February 17, 2010

this type of hapiness..  I have the urge to call it superficial.. this happiness that revolves around playing with friends at school, taking joys in the little “‘no’things” that the days revolves by, laughing at the weird accent, mispronunciations, speech impediments… fantacizing about owning a ship, owning a plane, owning an ak 47…

this kind of superficial hpapiness..

it fools one into thinking he is actually progressing in life, [these laughs fool one into thinking] he’s actually accomplsihiing something in life, actually making life better……

But, truly, it is just an addicting type of decadence. one loses his spirits in this kind of unctrolled happiness or habitual way of “enjoying” life…. loses his empathy… forsakes his core values…

it’s a cage, that’s what it wants you believe, that you can’t escape from. yet the cage exists only in your head. your blindness is just a reflection of how much this type of happiness has consumed your spirit and soul..

What I need to revert or regress into is myself. involved in what i am doing but not to the point of not caring about my environment – also caring about my environment. (This has trained me to be insensitive to my surroundings, full of myself, fully involved in finding ways to make myself laugh, over sharing enjoyment iwth another person). I need to revert to caring about others, compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness, respect.

I have lost all of that in the process. I have totally lost all of it, yet i’m still fooled enough to believe that I have not change, I’m still fooled enough to believe that out of all this unproductivity and insensitivity churning and leaking into my soul, from my school environemnt, that I am still a good person, that I still have virtues and values.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

If I ever want to get back to becoming a kind, compassionate, [untalkative and quiet] and virtuous person, well, i need to ditch all that I’ve learned in high school these past tumultuous 3 years.

(btw. ask kisses. how ive changed. cause apparently i cant pinpoint the changes on my own, and i need her feedback.)


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